I was pregnant, and I had a miscarriage. A few actually. It almost feels taboo to say. It’s something so many women suffer through, but we hardly hear about.
If I’m being honest and to the point, they suck. And I don't like to use that word. That pain of wondering what you did wrong or if you could have done anything different. Feeling like I let Scott down. Not knowing what to say or how to tell awaiting friends and family. Listening to my mom try to heal me with her words and knowing she’s dying not knowing how to fix it/make it better or hearing my dad cry as I told him. Not knowing if an early miscarriage counts as enough of a baby to feel sad about it. To be scared to try again. It all sucks.
I don't always think about it, though. But it sneaks up in the smallest of moments. Like when you see baby announcement after baby announcement because every female in town is pregnant…okay, this is an exaggeration, but sometimes, it feels like it. Or when you attend a baby shower for a close friend on the day that was your anticipated “due date”. It even hit me one day as I caught myself watching a mom with her little girl in Kohls. It’s in the sneakiest of moments, I tell you.
I am very secure in the fact that God has a plan for me and my family. I know that His plan is greater than mine. He’s moving mountains I don’t see and fighting battles for me I don’t know exist. He loves me and wants to give me everything He’s planned for me. But for whatever reason, he needed me to experience these moments. Maybe it was to help a friend through a similar situation. Maybe it was about patience, perseverance. Maybe He needed my faith to be a little bit stronger. I don’t know. But I know, HE knows.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “ Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite verse). This doesn’t mean that God’s plan for me is exactly what I have planned for me. It doesn't say...."I know what you want, so hang on just a moment while I snap my fingers for you." He isn’t a genie. Hillary Scott said it well in her song, Thy Will, "Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God, and I am not." His hope and a future for me might be different than what I envision. But as long as I let Him lead the way, I know I am in good hands.
I have written and deleted and rewritten these paragraphs 20 times. I wasn't going to post it. It's personal. It's my heart, my hurt. But I believe that by sharing how I felt, someone else may feel a little comfort in their situation. I choose to believe in God and in what the Bible says.... "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" Psalms 126:5
And I really love songs of joy <3